Well, I was just going through my entries for stuff to include in my application essay and I remembered this piece that I wrote for Nats. With the farewell party being tomorrow, I guess it's fitting that this entry is finally published...

It's brought tears to my eyes as I read it. There are some lessons that, it seems, I have forgotten.
But what's real is this, I want You in my life again like you were in that period of time, looming larger than life and chasing the shadows away. I want that unwavering faith back. I want Faith and Hope to triumph over the errant heart. I want out of this funk.
It's time to actively seek out Your presence again.
I'm sorry to have strayed.

So, here goes.

13/07/2007
18, but it feels as if I had grown much more than 1 year older in a brief span of 24 hours. And boy, what a birthday..
Welcomed it in tears, teeth clenched so I won't make a sound. I was lying in the foetal position on my bed and facing the window. What a contrast. Motionless, yet inside I was raging.. You never said following You is going to be easy. In fact, You said that those who follow in Your steps have to be prepared to take up the cross daily. But Lord, did You have to make it so hard? Why is it that every time You want me to learn and grow, it has to involve some drastic action? Every single time.

I remembered the most recent argument I had with my parents over canoeing, how everyone was trying to make themselves heard but refusing to hear the others out. How Dad stormed out in a huff. And in the aftermath, the drained faces and subtle threats of moving out and away. No one has any idea how much it tore at my heart because I never told anyone. I never liked to make others worry or feel sorry for me, too awkward. And it's not like it's the first time it's happened so I could just hold it in like I always do, no problem. But each time the same thing happens, the wound tears deeper and it never completely heals before the next bout of attacks. I try to understand why all these happen.. Well, we weren't handed handbooks on how to be a child/parent when we were born so just based on this I should let go and let live. And God must be trying to remind me that I must be obedient and that my bad temper's getting me nowhere. And so I persuaded myself to sleep.. there was trng the next morning. The one where He brought me to a fifth consecutive PB, even if the improvement was just within that second.

Then I brought myself 1 week back, to the present. Semi-finals.
In the morning when we had prayer meeting and the sky was overcast, I said, "Jesus bring the rain, it doesn't matter, the water will be calmer after this and that's good for us." And You did.
The seven of us huddled in the playground and prayed. Lord, take away our fears.. of the wind, of our opponents, blind our peripheral vision; Lord bless them, bring them comfort and understanding; Lord lay Your hand of protection over us, keep us safe from harm; Lord we pray You bless the non-believers too; Lord, oh Lord..
I said to You before the race, "Take, take, take it all... everything's in Your hands now." and You must have asked "How true are Your words? Will they withstand the test I am about to set You?"
Start burst, must have been the best I've ever done in a competition. I was able to shut out all distractions and just focus on merging controlled power with frequency. 20 or so into the 40 I'd planned, I looked at the buoys, really looked. And counted.
DQ. What a sudden, twisted way to end my journey as rjcanoeist. I screamed into the wind No Lord You can't do this to me. This is not happening. All my hard work..it can't end like this! Shifted my weight to the right hip and really leant into the tilt in order to make a fast swerve back into lane. My arms were moving on autopilot, doing an extended burst, the kind I reserve for when the competition is so tough we're neck to neck. The kind I'd trained myself for during trng in the past month. I argued with You as I made each familiar reach, pull, twist, lift and punch.
I wanted so much to believe in my definition of a miracle, the one I dictated to You, the one I wanted You to perform for me, so I pulled everything together for an end burst. Also, I reasoned, even if the outcome is what I fear, I'm not going down without a good fight. I wanted to be worthy of the spirit of competition, I wanted to give the other competitors my best thru to the end..it was only fair with the effort everyone's put in.
Too soon, the race ended. I looked to my left, looks like I came in first. I was momentarily glad. It was untainted by fear. I looked at the sky and whispered a Thank You. I looked at Stacy and smiled with pride, could tell she's just done her best too, we hadn't let JiaoLian down. She's like a trng partner, even if from a different school.. I just wish we could have gotten to know each other better.
Rowed to the pontoon and my heart resumed its palpitation. They wanted Gideon Jnr weighed. I was so nervous I just lost my mind and muttered a cheeky "My boat's like overweight", which is a fact, by close to 1kg, but still..shouldn't have. Anyway I thought if they're asking to weigh my boat, it must be alright, right?
Went to JiaoLian, asked the usual 怎么样? He said 不错, gave me a thumbs up. If he says so it must be alright, right? Walked off in search of my nano, blasted music, 3 songs with the word 'promise' in them, 2 of which I haven't noticed before. Screamed my lungs out for the other boats.. SJI, CJ, RJ, it didn't matter. I was trying to do what You said I should do in times like this, when I'm tempted to worry and fear.
Then Elisa came and told me I had better see it for myself. I could tell from her eyes what was to come but I didn't want to believe it. Was going to tell her if it was a joke just because tomorrow's my birthday she had better say so but didn't. Gathered my nerves, walked off towards what I dread.
Mr Go stopped me on the way, said Can I speak to you? Took me to the side, gave me a detailed account, drew me diagrams.. Which was smart, ‘cause I’m a visual learner. I was biting the part of the finger near the knuckles on the left hand. I can still see the marks in my mind now. Little T1s carved out in dashes. I listened carefully to every word. He said it was the fact that the other boat took evasive action that there is no ground for argument. To them, it looked like I was going for a collision. He's done what he could, paid to watch the videos, protested.. I thought back on all the things I saw, I don't remember seeing that boat on my right at all but that is not the point anymore, is it? I felt bad that he had to be the bearer of bad news, and that he had to comfort me. But I was and still am very thankful for most of what he'd said. It calmed me down, quelled some of the guilt I felt at not having delivered the points I was expected to bring in.. At the end, I thanked him and walked off, someone was holding my hand. I was glad for the contact, it made it easier to accept that this was reality. I didn’t know what to say to You other than Oh Lord, Oh Lord does it have to be like this?
I didn’t want to cry, really didn’t, so when I saw the canoobs had gathered around and were looking so pale and red-eyed, some even avoiding my gaze, I got confused for a moment. I wanted to tell them don’t cry for me, when I win I praise Him, when I lose I praise Him still and that’s all. That was when it hit me, it wasn’t a statement you say just because it sounds good, or right. It was a COMMITMENT. It says, “Lord even if I have to go thru the pain of defeat, so be it, it is Your will and I willingly lay everything and more at Your feet if You ask because I am thankful to You for giving Your Son’s life in exchange for mine.” I don’t know how much of it I actually voiced, and when I realised the magnitude of this I really started to tear. Asked if we could just bow our heads together and say a prayer, give thanks. It was a question directed at the cell but what really touched me was that when we gathered in a circle, more that just the seven of us were there. And the resounding Amen I heard at the end is one I won’t forget anytime soon.
We stood there in the end, the 12 of us, like a stone wall, holding out against the hard knocks. We’ve got our Dream and there were still more shots at it the next day, with the entire K1 fleet in finals, Jo, Van&Shawna and the K4. We’ve got faith in them to fight on for us, so we’ll hold our heads high, walk fearlessly. We’ve built a stone wall, we will not fall. We even managed jokes. I was aghast when Elisa and Joo suggested we make the seal-like noises they claimed the Spartans made..
And that’s the way we are.. So so so proud of my favourite girls in the world, all so strong and ready to face adversity with good cheer. We never succumb to defeats.. if anything, anyone who defeats us has more to fear because it bonds and strengthens us further.
I was fine, more or less, or at least very eager to move on. The girls have this effect on me. When things aren’t smooth sailing, I may not spill everything but at least I don’t have to laugh and joke in front of them in order to pretend everything was alright, I genuinely wanted to laugh and joke because they’d make me forget I’m supposed to whine and sulk. Also, I found myself finally and firmly believing in this cliché, that it’s not the results that matter, but the journey. If I had a chance to win a medal, it comes at the opportunity cost of knowing for sure just how great our team is. I wouldn’t trade the gleaming memory of the 12 of us clutching each other tightly in a circle, refusing to let anyone fall away, for a medal that tarnishes.
Packed up. A CJ guy came and squatted beside me as I was keeping my shoes and said “I’m sorry”. That took me by surprise so I only managed a “thank you” and shook his hand. One thing about nationals that will always stick with me: the non-hypocritical display of goodwill in the midst of competition. Take Stacy, we’re opponents right from the start, but like I mentioned, she’s like a trng partner, things are really friendly between us.
Then the bus ride home. Lots of time to think too much. Especially after Jave got off. Unreasonable bus driver made it worse, insists on checking my student pass (“No, I/C no use, I dunno whether you still studying anot.”) so that I can pay student fare in cash because I’d forgotten my EZ-Link. Of course I couldn’t comply! Go figure. It’s pretty screwed up.
Home, told Mum and Dad. Had to laugh at the things they said. Mum, “Tell me who I can contact to complain about the lanes.” and Dad, “You’ve got enough medals, let’s try to be generous towards others. You know you’ve got what it takes anyway.” They were trying to cheer me up! I really appreciated it. Especially when I thought back to that cruel phone call a year ago.. “What’s this? You’ve squandered precious study time and now you can’t even win a medal? I want you out of canoeing, NOW, or you can go live your own life, I can’t and won’t be bothered anymore.”
Hot shower. Tried to draw tears that won’t come. I wondered what was wrong with me. Usually, when I feel super upset, I’d allow myself to tear in the shower so that I can promise myself when I step out, everything will be brand new and I’ll start fresh. But the tears won’t come. I thought, well, I suppose this is the peace that transcends all understanding. Alright. toweled off and blogged. Packed. Just minutes away from 18, I crawled into bed and began to pray.. And that brings us to the beginning of this entry.
After much clenching of teeth and digging the heels of my palm into my eyes to prevent swelling, I fell asleep. With some bitterness.. All that hard work have been in vain, I didn’t even get a chance to be in the running for a medal.. But it was all because You’ve seen the depths of my heart. You knew all along that’s what I’m subconsciously after.. I hadn’t really surrendered everything. When I trained, I often trained with the medal in mind, rather than rowing for You alone so that You can derive pleasure from seeing me use Your gift. You’ve seen those dreams I had, of clutching a gold medal in my hand and beaming, the happiest birthday girl ever. You’ve finally broken me, taught me a lesson on pride. And I know You’re right.. even if You’d chosen to teach me in such a painful way.. a way which brings the team pain too, not just for me.
Yet, there was also a fair bit of gratitude. Because whatever it is, the point is that You love me and care for me enough to want me to become a better person, a better vessel for Your will. You’re the goldsmith, hard at work, and one day I will emerge from this fire as or pur.
A sense of loss too, what now Lord? What have You planned for me? I was sure canoeing was one area in which I could honour You. Now.. Surely there’s something else I can shine for You in, but what is it? The future looked as dark and unyielding as the moonless night sky outside the window.

After a dreamless sleep, I woke up 18. Usually I don’t feel any different becoming a year older but this time, things have definitely changed. I wondered what the day would bring. Got on the bus to school, talked to You a bit more. You’d taken everything, Lord, and I yield them willingly. I’d just like to ask for a miracle today, any miracle at all, and that was my simple birthday wish. I remember the first birthday after I’d accepted Christ, Miss Sng told me over the phone that I could ask for anything on my birthday and You would give it to me. It’s proven true so far, my first bible, silver crosses, the nano..silly whims, but now I’ve got a ‘serious’ wish. I was on the verge of tears many times during that bus ride but I squeezed my eyes shut and kept it in. I was that desperate for a miracle.

Arrived in Bedok, everything went by in a whir.. we were in charge of Jo’s boat until she went out. When her race started I was very anxious because the sky was a dripping grey. Lord just calm her down, Lord just bring her thru, Lord.. You’ve taken, could I have my miracle now? As she neared the last 200, we united in one voice, “Jo Burst! Jo Burst! Jo..” I thought my heart could burst.. Lord please, that miracle, I need it now! When Jo finished her race I wasn’t sure what she got, 3rd and 4th were so close from where we were looking. So when it was confirmed she got 3rd I was so happy! Thank you, thank You! I said over and over again, tears mixing with the rain.. I think I must have needed that assurance that God was still listening to me very badly.
Then the K1s, and Shawna&Van. They put up the best fight I’ve ever seen, never slowing their frequency once, battling the wind and the currents so bravely. And with the end of their race, it basically concludes the J2s’ stint as RJCanoeists. How apt that the last girls’ boat out there from our school was the K4 comprised entirely of J1s. They fought so hard and displayed such potential that we knew Raffles Canoeing is in good hands. The Dream lives on.

The final event was the awards ceremony. Sometimes I’d think of what could have been, the difference I could have made to our standing and my heart would seize. Sometimes I didn’t think anything at all and made random piles of sand by shuffling my feet around. We clapped for the winners, they deserved it, their efforts have paid off. We took it all in without complaint, we stood tall; we watched as the school colours fluttered with the occasional breeze.

May the most deserving win, I.e. may he who trains the hardest win. Ideally, this would be the case for every competitor. So what happened here? I don’t think anyone who’s seen and known us in the past 1.5 years could say we are not deserving. In fact I can be sure that the girls have done everything and more to define ‘deserving’. We started with killer circuits and pyramids in the sun, long team runs that qualified us for Astro club memberships because half the time we were running them we couldn’t see further than the bobbing white shirt directly in front of us. Then we moved on to monster gym sets and weren’t satisfied until we had gg-ed our muscles so that it was necessary to tape our EZ-links to our shoulders in order to travel home before we collapsed. And all the while Jiaolian pushed us and forcibly brought out the best in us with all those time-trials and burst-pyramids during water trainings. Furthermore, these water trainings came in trilogies and quadrilogies, what with all the vertical ascents up the grassy slope last year, the killer slopes this year, pull-up pyramids, weights sets.. And let’s not forget all the times we’ve sneaked into the gym on our own in order to do some extra trng in the areas we’re weak in. I’ve never seen any canoob give less than her best thru-out. So seriously, why had the equation not yielded the rightful results in our case?

I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer, His ways are too unfathomable.

But I guess it is a preparation.

And I guess, if we had touched any hearts along the way, it is all worth it.

God has not promised
Skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways
All our lives thro’;
God has not promised
Sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.
God has not promised
We shall not know
Toil and temptation,
Trouble and woe;
He has not told us
We shall not bear
Many a burden,
Many a care.
But God has promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love.

Labels: closing time, Gideon Jnr.

go to, then; your considerate stone.
2:03 AM
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